Why Do Cool Girls Lose Their Light Because of a Man?

It’s happened to us all. The boyfriendication of our once carefree lives, or even worse, watching your friend spiral into the abyss of confusion, insecurity and delusion, and there’s no saving them.

The viral article by Chanté Joseph, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now”, has resulted in many varying sides delving into conversations of what makes this very topic so trivial. What about having a significant other, specifically a boyfriend, is so painfully embarrassing?

While we may not have the answers to this, we can fully attest that when romantic relationships end, there’s nothing more humbling than looking in the mirror and saying, “I’ve lost myself.”

Women are naturally nurturers. When we are single, we nurture ourselves and our friendships. We focus on our own self-improvement goals, invest in hobbies and feel the freedom of doing whatever we want. Why is it that this mentality shifts when we get into relationships? 

For Rosilynn, who’s about to enter her 30s, there has certainly been a shift from being single to now being in a loving and committed relationship. She even resonates with the term “embarrassment.” 

“The embarrassment comes from the feeling that I’m not confident and cool anymore. But I do love him so much. And I’m realizing I can be just as fun, just as spontaneous, just as confident and cool, even in a relationship. It’s a learning curve,” she said.

While in relationships, doing the inner work should not stop. We are responsible for our own fate and should always take a step back to prioritize ourselves. However, for some women, that’s not always the case.  From the outside looking in, friends notice a change in behavior along with the defensiveness and lack of interest in the things that make you, well…you.

Self-abandonment happens when you are constantly trying to improve a relationship, rather than nurturing yourself.

This was the case for Brooke, 25 and currently single. “The best thing that ever happened to me was him breaking up with me so I could find my light and realize how I wanted to spend my time, not how WE wanted to spend our time.” 

When your independence is questioned and your goals are put on hold, who do we have to blame? And where do we find the strength to pick it back up again? It’s a complicated equation. We nurture, we fix and we withstand in order to make things work, while forgetting to nurture the most important person in our lives: ourselves. There’s always a sacrifice that’s made to hold on longer.

Our mothers, grandmothers and ancestors were taught that their worthiness and security come from a man. It’s taken years of damage control, cultural shifts and protesting to gain the current freedoms and independence we currently have. But why do we sacrifice our own warmth and light to illuminate only a shadow of what love is? Instead, we settle for a dark reflection and an obstructed view of the truth. 

“My singlehood made me realize that I had to learn how to find myself, because I didn’t have anyone else to build that for me,” said Abby, 25 and single.

In our singlehood, we invest in ourselves and learn about ourselves through our passions and hobbies and even in our sisterhoods. The hyperfocus and energy it takes to invest in romantic relationships can steal that time. So what’s the answer? Are friendships placeholders until a boyfriend is found? Where do your values and time truly lie?

When we aren’t content in our singlehood, this is where all hell starts to break loose. The ache of searching for a partner to fill what feels like a missing piece grows hungry.

Kylie, a model, creative and Miss Eco Colorado, has been in a relationship for six years and refuses to abandon her independence. “I think it comes down to who you were before you got a boyfriend,” she said. Early into her relationship, Kylie relayed to her partner that she likes to travel, and whether or not he can come, she is still going to do her thing. After the early months of traveling together and falling in love, Kylie hasn’t slowed down. Now, their work schedules don’t align for him to tag along all the time, so what does that mean for her? She continues to do her own thing, whether it be girls’ trips or solo trips; she is embracing her own journey.

As many are collectively agreeing that having a boyfriend is embarrassing, the chronically single girls are taking a sigh of relief. However, for those who embrace commitment and independence like Kylie, she shares that “a good partner is someone who will come along for the ride and help you get better, not bitter. I’ve always believed that if they are taking away or bringing you down, you’re better off without them. But if they can keep up with you and inspire you to be more, then heck yeah, have the boyfriend!”

But where do you find the good ones? That question remains harder and harder nowadays. If you’ve been online recently, you’ve seen the viral clip of Denver content creator Aya, asking a man “who he voted for” while participating as a contestant on The Date Night Podcast. This is a valid question in light of today’s political climate.

This one question sparked outrage and division in the comment section on a post of this clip. Many women in the comment section are singing Aya’s praises for being so upfront and confident while asking this question. On the other hand, thousands of comments were made by men outraged by this question. They resorted to attacking her race and physical appearance, calling her names and tearing into her intelligence.

This is a clear example of why having a boyfriend is embarrassing and why women refuse to let a man embarrass and disrespect them. Aya asking this question so clearly created a boundary, and she displayed what she’s passionate about and what is important to her.

This situation makes us wonder: why was negativity the first reaction for the men? Aya was solely setting boundaries and displaying a desire to stand up for her rights, as a woman, a person of color, and a member of her community. To these men, Aya’s mention of rights is tied to abortion. Are they forgetting about how long it took for women to gain the right to vote, for same-sex marriage to be legal, and for immigrants to work and live in safety (a right that is currently not given in our current political climate)? Are they forgetting about the local policies that appeared on our ballots this week, granting our local government power to invest in infrastructure, transportation and schools? There was even a measure regarding flavored tobacco, are they forgetting that, too? Their ignorance is loud and clear in supporting a fellow man who chooses not to open his ballot because it “doesn’t affect him.”

Men and women seem more disconnected now than ever. We’re realizing as a society that the patriarchy is the problem. Many women do not want to be tied to a partner who does not care about their safety or their rights. A great example is Vice President JD Vance’s recent comments about his wife Usha’s religious practices and beliefs contributing to the fear of being unequally tied to someone who will not fight for you in private and in public.

If the modern “cool girl” is embarrassed by boyfriends, it’s not love she’s rejecting; it’s the idea that her power has to be negotiated for it. The era of self-abandonment is over. Women are no longer willing to trade their independence for affection or make themselves smaller to be chosen. They no longer have to. Maybe the next cultural shift isn’t about breaking up with men, but breaking up with the idea that we need to lose ourselves to love them.